This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
