so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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