Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
