I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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