It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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