i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
