Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
