I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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