Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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