Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize