Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm passing your future prison.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
