I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
In America we eat man semen.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Randomize
