he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
