Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize