So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
