Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I think I just shit out all my problems.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
