I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
