Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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