my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Houston, we have a blender
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
