I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
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She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
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It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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