dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
two words: eviction party
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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