She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
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don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
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She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You were trust falling into bushes
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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