so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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