She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
