Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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