i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I will pee on everything he values.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
