I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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