Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We just shotgunned beers for America
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
the liver wants what the liver wants
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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