we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
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She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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