I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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