I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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