Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
