the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
