I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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