I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Drunk is a universal language darling
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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