you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize