Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
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We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
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There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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