Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
