I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
