i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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