once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
