If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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