He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
