remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we made out on top of his cat.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
