i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
