how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
