and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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