At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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