In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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