thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
