My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
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My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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